Birth Family and Your Adopted Teen

The search for identity characteristic of the teen years has a whole extra layer of complexity for teens who are adopted.  The adolescent quest  for “one’s self” is a philosophical, esoteric, incorporeal challenge.  For adolescents who were adopted, the question “who am I?” also has very concrete elements.  Teens who grow up in their birth families have their parents and entire biological heritage to identify with and rebel from as they figure themselves out.  Adopted teens often do not even know who they look like, the details of their ethnic origins, or why they were placed for adoption in the first place.  Whether they verbalize it or not, during adolescence, many adoptees want to know more about their preadoption backgrounds.  Most adoptive parents today have shared much of their child’s adoption story with them, hopefully adding in more detail with age.  Now that your child is a teenager he/she is able to understand more complicated information in general and is ready to process some of the nitty gritty details you may have withheld because you felt your child wasn’t ready to handle it.  These details are precious to the teenager who needs to understand where he comes from before he can decide who he is going to become.  

As adoptions have become more open over the past few decades, it is often possible to get in contact with birth family and your teenager may want to do that.  Clearly, all situations and all adolescents are different so whether or not a reunion would be in your child’s best interest is for you to decide.  You do want to respect your teen’s desire to meet their birth family and you can do so by listening and providing the reasons for your decision.  It can be helpful for your teenager to hear that you will support them when the time comes that they are mature enough to begin a search and cope with whatever the results might be.  Let your child know that you understand that their curiosity is normal and that you do not feel threatened by it.  Keeping the conversation open is key.  If your teen feels like he has to go behind your back, facebook and other technologies make finding people based on a little information quite possible.  You do not want your teen entering this emotional terrain on his own.  If he is going to do it with or without you, with you is better.   When thinking about doing a search or reunion, or you have difficult information to share, professional counseling with an adoption proficient therapist is strongly recommended. 

91 percent of moms ages 25-47 say they’ve felt like they couldn’t ask for help or admit they needed a break, with 10 percent saying this happens an extreme amount.

Read more: Sources of Mom Stress & Judgment - Redbook