Birth Family and Your Adopted Teen

The search for identity characteristic of the teen years has a whole extra layer of complexity for teens who are adopted.  The adolescent quest  for “one’s self” is a philosophical, esoteric, incorporeal challenge.  For adolescents who were adopted, the question “who am I?” also has very concrete elements.  Teens who grow up in their birth families have their parents and entire biological heritage to identify with and rebel from as they figure themselves out.  Adopted teens often do not even know who they look like, the details of their ethnic origins, or why they were placed for adoption in the first place.  Whether they verbalize it or not, during adolescence, many adoptees want to know more about their preadoption backgrounds.  Most adoptive parents today have shared much of their child’s adoption story with them, hopefully adding in more detail with age.  Now that your child is a teenager he/she is able to understand more complicated information in general and is ready to process some of the nitty gritty details you may have withheld because you felt your child wasn’t ready to handle it.  These details are precious to the teenager who needs to understand where he comes from before he can decide who he is going to become.  

As adoptions have become more open over the past few decades, it is often possible to get in contact with birth family and your teenager may want to do that.  Clearly, all situations and all adolescents are different so whether or not a reunion would be in your child’s best interest is for you to decide.  You do want to respect your teen’s desire to meet their birth family and you can do so by listening and providing the reasons for your decision.  It can be helpful for your teenager to hear that you will support them when the time comes that they are mature enough to begin a search and cope with whatever the results might be.  Let your child know that you understand that their curiosity is normal and that you do not feel threatened by it.  Keeping the conversation open is key.  If your teen feels like he has to go behind your back, facebook and other technologies make finding people based on a little information quite possible.  You do not want your teen entering this emotional terrain on his own.  If he is going to do it with or without you, with you is better.   When thinking about doing a search or reunion, or you have difficult information to share, professional counseling with an adoption proficient therapist is strongly recommended. 

91 percent of moms ages 25-47 say they’ve felt like they couldn’t ask for help or admit they needed a break, with 10 percent saying this happens an extreme amount.

Read more: Sources of Mom Stress & Judgment - Redbook

Adolescence, Adoption, and Acting Out

In honor of National Adoption Month, my posts for November will explore the intertwine of issues related to both adoption and adolescence.  

All teens ask “who am I?”  Identity formation is an important developmental task of adolescence.  They try on identities, experiment with clothing, style, musical taste, and sometimes, more seriously with alcohol and drugs.   Teens feel safe conforming to the the standards set by peers, yet want to be considered unique.  The cultural and psychological push to move away from their parents can be frightening for adopted teens who have already been separated from their birth families. Most teens typically have periods of regression, they will whine and act out.  Adopted teens sometimes regress to the extreme and you may see them alternate between clinginess and defiance.

Adolescents test limits, but they need them and feel safer with them. The testing of how bad can I be before you reject me that many teens experiment with, can hit some very deep and painful cords for adoptees. Hair dying, nose rings and tattoos may be ways of asking “do you love me even though I am so different from you, even though I'm adopted?” Remember that adoptees are sensitive to separations and may be testing how far they can go before you abandon them too.

Adolescents often will reject their parents values as they become aware of the wide variety of opinions in the larger world. This part of the adopted teens effort to separate  can be difficult for adoptive parents who didn't give their children their genetics, but feel they did pass on good values.  It can feel like a rejection of them as parents. Try to remember that all teens question their parents' beliefs and value systems while you continue to be clear about what your values are.   Forcefully imposing them will backfire. Your teen may stray for a while, but will drift back to the foundation they were raised with eventually.

Coping: Teens and Hurricane Sandy

Teenagers make use of Princeton Public Library‘s Wi-Fi and electrical outlets in New Jersey on October 31 in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy.  School Library Journal Nov. 3, 2012

Accounts of loss, resourcefulness, courage and despair emerge from the wreckage of Hurricane Sandy each day. Included are stories involving teenagers who lost their lives, those who were able to survive due to a combination of luck, wit and instinct, those who are now part of the effort to bring aid and comfort to others, and the resilient who cope with normalizing their lives under challenging circumstances. Today, an article describing the horrific combination of this natural disaster and poverty, mentions an 18 year old girl who climbs 10 flights of stairs to check on her stranded, physically disabled godmother . http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/03/nyregion/in-public-housing-after-hurricane-sandy-fear-misery-and-heroism.html The Daily News reports on an injured woman in Staten Island grieving the loss of her 13 year old daughter, http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/si-family-robbed-irene-suffers-tragedy-sandy-article while another is relieved that her son was able to escape from their home as it filled with water and swim to safety http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/teen-sandy-survival-tale-separated-family-article Teens in the less severely affected area of Princeton, NJ make do with crowding into the library for power, heat and internet as they strive to keep focused on daily pressures like homework and the SATs that are scheduled for today.

Teens, deeply affected by the plight of the hurricane’s victims, are part of the volunteer effort to provide aid. After a disaster, it is important for teens to have opportunities to feel empowered again. They can choose a project that speaks to them. Animal lovers can contact the ASPCA www.aspca.org or Humane Society www.humanesociety.org. Localities are required to have a emergency plan in place for animals. Check on the senior citizens in your community. They may have power and food, but might be isolated because of travel and communication difficulties and in need of company. Contact the Red Cross, your house of worship, or local charity organization to find out where food and clothing are needed and deliver it. Helping out can be as easy as texting, something teens are adept at. Verizon announced it would match customer text-to-donate contributions to American Red Cross relief efforts up to one million dollars. Verizon Customers can make a $10 donation by texting REDCROSS to 90999. AT&T is working with the American Red Cross, the Salvation Army and the American Humane Society. AT&T has waived fees for customers to text a $10 donation to any of the organizations by texting the following: REDCROSS to 90999 to support the American Red Cross, STORM to 80888 to help the Salvation Army, and HUMANE to 80888 to give to the American Humane Society. Facebook is another user friendly way teens can donate. The Humane Society of the United States has a big effort underway in New York and New Jersey. Donations can be made via their facebook page.

Parents, you can contribute to helping your teen regain their sense of well being by taking care of your own. We are still our teenagers primary role models and how we cope with adversity provides them with a guideline for how they can rise above difficulty. Rather than stuff down fear and grief, show your children how to express it. They will learn that facing ones fears is courageous, not weak and allows one to move forward. And if you go out to volunteer, invite your teen along! This is a time of strong emotions which means there's a need for strong connection.