Strong emotional responses from
family, friends, acquaintances, and the media were everywhere on
Sunday following the Saturday night verdict in the Trayvon Martin
case. No matter where one stood on the jury's decision, the loss of
17 year old Trayvon's life, his presence and his potential, hung
heavy. By Tuesday, I noticed a shift in the discussion. For parents
of African American boys, their identification with Trayvon's parents
and deep empathy for their grief, included expression of their fears
for their own children and the efforts they take to keep them from a
fate similar to Trayvon's. Many of these families have a continuing
dialogue with their teenage sons regarding the possibility that they
will be perceived as a threat by virtue of their appearance. They
can't, and do not want to, change the color of their skin, but in the
aftermath of this tragedy, they are re-emphasizing that the way a
young black man or teenage boy comports himself, his style of dress,
mannerisms, tone of voice have an impact that does not apply to their
white peers. These parents are having to demand that their sons
pass through their teenage years not doing what is developmentally
typical; dressing according to fad, trying on different identities,
and rebelling against adult culture. Never mind rebelling, these
boys need to do the opposite, to be pleasant and subservient in the
face of perceived hostility. For example, when approached on a dark
street by a man with a gun, he should show fear, apologize for
anything and everything, and acquiesce in every way possible.
Perhaps if he is dressed in khaki pants held up by a striped belt
into which his pastel polo shirt is tucked in, he will survive the
encounter. I know that a lot of grown ups don't think any of this
is too much to ask and in fact, would prefer that all teenage boys of
all races behave and dress this way. It's the generations old
tension between adolescents and adults. Adults, forgetting their own
teenage angst, seem to work tirelessly to take the rebellion and
emotionality out of adolescence, but have yet to succeed.
Both black and white adults are
demanding that black boys skip over the huge psychological
developmental task of identity formation, which is what the rebellion
and emotionality is all about. Experimenting with ways of being,
is one of the ways in which teens find the right fit. For boys,
being “a man” might look like standing up in the face of danger,
giving as good as you get, not accepting put downs. Swallowing one's
pride and whimpering home with your tale between your legs certainly
doesn't feel like the right fit. An adult, with a strong ego, can
understand that manhood includes the capacity to make the decision to
not engage hostility and violence while maintaining self respect.
This is something that boys learn through trial and error, good role
models, and lots of discussion. Imagine what it feels like to be a
hormone flooded teenage boy who in order to survive needs to “yes
sir, no sir” with his head hung low. Add to that the historical
burden of being African American. For the moment we may have a
complacent boy who do to his complacency may come home that evening.
But where does the anger go? Do we believe it really just
dissipates? Given the options, I would also push acquiescence upon
my sons if they were African American. But they are not, so society
is permitting them the time and space to work themselves out.
We are also expecting that
physiological development not take it's predetermined course. For
example, there is now reams of evidence that the adolescent male
brain is not fully formed until they are well into their twenties.
Mainly, it's the part of the brain that gets you to think before you
act rather than have a fight or flight reaction that is still
developing. For all of us, the fight or flight response is heightened
when we perceive threat. That may be what 29 year old George
Zimmerman experienced when he saw Trayvon. Yet, we expect 17 year
old boys to keep their cool.
A more reasonable and hopeful
alternative to forcing boys into adulthood before they are ready is
for adults to act like adults. We are teaching black boys that they
need to back down when threatened at the same time adults are passing
Stand Your Ground laws that allow one person to shoot another if
they feel threatened. Our institutions and media glorify
aggression. Adults need to make the necessary changes to save
children's lives, not the children.
