Resolution

After a few sluggish, post holiday, days, I am feeling lighter and happier than I have in quite some time.  A good part of me believes my current, upbeat attitude has to do with other people's New Year's resolutions.  It's like I'm riding the energy of people all over the world who are reflecting upon their pasts and resolving, in some way, to be  a more positive force going forward. I feel grateful to all those who are publicly expressing, or holding private, their thoughts, hopes and wishes for better things to come.

I'd like to give a special shout out to a friend, +Deirdre Day who endured a physically and emotionally painful last few months of 2012, yet, has found the strength to resolve to build upon the positives in her life in 2013.  Among her resolutions is a determination to communicate more with her 20 year old daughter and 12 year old son.  Parents of teens and young adults will understand that it can take plenty of determination to stay connected to our children once they start realizing that we are only flawed human beings rather than the all knowing, all powerful parents of earlier years.  Below are some tips for parents on communicating with and staying connected to teens that I hope will be useful for Deirdre and others in the year to come.

How to Talk to Teens

• “Kids are People Too” Speak to your teen with the same respect you would show to any adult in your life.
• Make yourself available. Be willing to drop your plans when your teen seems to be opening up.
• No agendas. Your teen will sense that you are engaging him in order to slip in a lesson and not because you are interested in him as an individual.
• Be comfortable with silence.
• Listen. (If you hear yourself talking, you are not listening).
• No judgments. If you are concerned about what your teen is telling you, ask questions out of curiosity about what his values are and how they might apply to the situation being discussed.
• No advice. When your teen is encountering a challenge, let him know by your responses that you trust he will come up with the right answer.
• Allow your teen her own opinions. Let her grumble and protest over perceived injustices even though you disagree.
• Make an appointment to address difficult issues. This gives both of you the chance to think ahead and avoid being reactive.
• Keep your cool. If you react with anger, stress, or frustration, you will ratchet up those emotions in your adolescent.

How Not to Talk to Teens

• Lecture, make it a long one!
• Make sure your teen knows your are always right.
• Criticize
• Advise, solve his problems for him, you know best after all
• Use sarcasm, it’s a great way to belittle and humiliate your child.
• Bring your own unfinished business into your relationship with your teen.
• Make sure you have the last word.
• Never apologize.
• Escalate your teens bad mood by reacting to it with yelling, scolding, and anger.
• Bring up problems when you are feeling stressed out and overwhelmed.

Keep the energy flowing, share your New year's resolution in the comment section.

Peace

Bridget