Michael Brown's Death Due to Poor Parenting, REALLY?

     

  
Among the most vitriolic responses to the grand jury decision not to indict police officer Darren Wilson with  any charges pertaining to his shooting and killing 18 year old Michael Brown are those that blame the boy's parents for his death. While with one hand swatting away any suggestion that the larger social issues rendering Ferguson, MO cut off from the American Dream decades ago put this story into any context, the other hand is used to point fingers at Michael Brown Sr, and Lesley McSpadden for raising a child who would get himself gunned down by a cop. 
            So what are the iniquities these parents visited upon their son?  That they became parents as teenagers? That they eventually split up?  That they looked to other family members and friends to provide guidance and care taking for Michael?  That they made him  angry by forcing his hand so that he would graduate from high school with 60% of his classmates rather than dropout with the other 40%. That they did not have complete control over his actions as an 18 year old?  That they were unable to offer their son more than they had as children?  I can't imagine that even the most brimstone and fire believers think these parents are to blame for, much less deserve, the loss of their child. Nevertheless, many without intimate knowledge of this family were able to hand down guilty verdicts to the grieving parents without the slightest understanding of why others want to assign blame to the person who actually pulled the trigger. 
          When black kids go awry, the media, the culture at large, even Barack Obama blame the parents.  It's part of the lazy negro narrative that was told to justify keeping blacks from attaining education and professional careers. Today black parents are blamed for their children falling victim to lack of access to all of the things outside of family that are needed to thrive in our society. Perceiving black families as not teaching their children right from wrong, as inherently flawed and misguided, allows us to believe that the hemorrhaging of young black men to violence and prison is a problem of their own making and there is nothing those with privilege and power can do about it.  

Older Child Adoption and the Farrow-Previn-Allen Affair

I typically eschew pop culture and would rather meet up with an old friend than meet a celebrity any day.  But I find myself compelled to throw down with all the bloggers voicing opinions about the Mia Farrow - Woody Allen child abuse scandal. Since the publication of the letter from Malone (Dylan) Farrow in response to Allen being honored at the Golden Globes, An Open Letter From Dylan Farrow, there has been an onslaught of back and forth, the Woody defenders accusing those who side with the Farrow clan of not knowing the facts and vice versa.  He said vs. she said at it’s most brutal.  I certainly can’t add to the various possible scenarios that have been  proposed by people almost as removed from the personal lives of those involved as I am, but I can lay out what I do know.  My intent is not to convince you of what happened or did not happen, but just to share some insight that I have gained from several years of working with families created through adoption.

Depending upon where your sympathies lie, Woody Allen’s relationship with Soon Yi Previn has nothing to do with the allegations involving his daughter, Dylan, or it is the slippery slope that delivered him to the attic in Connecticut.  I don’t know for a fact which, if either, scenario is true.  What I do know as fact is that Soon Yi was adopted by Mia Farrow and her then husband, Andre Previn, in 1978, when she was approximately 7 years old and that prior to her adoption, she was living on the streets in Korea.  What I do know is that children who need to survive on the streets are prey to all sorts of horrors including being preyed upon sexually.  What I do know is that these children often have done incredible jobs at surviving, doing whatever it took to stay alive, including prostitution.  

What I do know is that children like Soon Yi  do not experience the world as a safe and stable place.   These children arrive at their adoptive homes with no idea of what a family is or does.  They have in place the coping mechanisms that served them well on the street or in the orphanage, manipulation, superficial charm, stealing, and hoarding.  They find it hard to believe that their adoptive parents have their best interests at heart.  Ideally, over time, with tremendous perseverance their parents can gradually teach them that the job of adults is to provide them with safety and security.  This is not a straight and steady path, but a journey with twists, turns and regressions.  

It is a fact that Soon Yi’s adoptive parents divorced in 1979, about a year after her arrival.  It is widely accepted that divorce throws an obstacle into any child’s path, but most are resilient enough to overcome this.  For a child with a traumatic background who is just beginning to trust her parents, a divorce can serve as proof that her world is not safe or secure and adults are not to be trusted.  Unlike children born into a family, she does not have a lifetime of loving experiences to draw from.  

It is a fact that Woody Allen became involved with Mia Farrow in 1980 and through that relationship met then 9 year old Soon Yi.  Actually, it is not a fact that Soon Yi was 9 at the time, she could have been younger.  Given her background, there is no way to know her birthdate, 9 is the older estimate.   What I do know is that children who have suffered deprivation of the sort that Soon Yi did are well behind their chronological peers in terms of emotional development.   That paired with the reactive coping strategies mentioned above give us a child who is charmingly precocious one minute and immature and needy the next. The type of child who is especially vulnerable to being taken advantage of by an adult whose own internal infrastructure is wobbly enough to allow him to forget or ignore the fact that adults are responsible for a child’s safety and sense of security.  

It is a fact that Woody Allen admits to being engaged in an affair with Soon Yi when she was 20 (or 18) and he was 56 and still in a relationship with her mother, Mia Farrow.  It is a fact that he has stated on several occasions that he does not think there was anything untoward in this.  I don’t know for a fact that he’s wrong.  I don’t know that unlike many  young adults with similar histories, Soon Yi   was  not well beyond her years in terms of emotional maturity.   I don’t know for a fact that she had not completely overcome the reactive coping mechanisms that would have made her vulnerable to being manipulated by the attentions of a much older, wealthy, and powerful man.   I don’t know for a fact that she viewed the man who was her mother’s partner for 12 years and father to 3 of her siblings as a part of the family.  Her concept of family may still have been vague. (Let’s pretend that doesn’t contradict the notion that she was exceptionally well grounded and mature at the time).  

One last fact that I would like to mention is that families who are formed through adoption, by and large, do not like the adjective “adoptive” thrown before mother, father, son, daughter, brother, sister.  They feel that the descriptor minimizes their relationships by implying that the adoptive parent-child or sibling bond is not as strong as the one among biological family members.  I don’t know, but do wonder if this is why many discussions defending Allen’s behavior with Soon Yi or alleged abuse of Dylan make sure that it is abundantly clear that that they are “adoptive” daughters and “adoptive” sisters and all the rest are “adoptive” as well.   Perhaps using adoptive as a qualifier to the family relationships makes Woody’s affair with Soon Yi seem like it didn’t leave a real family in ruins (an indisputable fact).

Trayvon

  Strong emotional responses from family, friends, acquaintances, and the media were everywhere on Sunday following the Saturday night verdict in the Trayvon Martin case. No matter where one stood on the jury's decision, the loss of 17 year old Trayvon's life, his presence and his potential, hung heavy. By Tuesday, I noticed a shift in the discussion. For parents of African American boys, their identification with Trayvon's parents and deep empathy for their grief, included expression of their fears for their own children and the efforts they take to keep them from a fate similar to Trayvon's. Many of these families have a continuing dialogue with their teenage sons regarding the possibility that they will be perceived as a threat by virtue of their appearance. They can't, and do not want to, change the color of their skin, but in the aftermath of this tragedy, they are re-emphasizing that the way a young black man or teenage boy comports himself, his style of dress, mannerisms, tone of voice have an impact that does not apply to their white peers. These parents are having to demand that their sons pass through their teenage years not doing what is developmentally typical; dressing according to fad, trying on different identities, and rebelling against adult culture. Never mind rebelling, these boys need to do the opposite, to be pleasant and subservient in the face of perceived hostility. For example, when approached on a dark street by a man with a gun, he should show fear, apologize for anything and everything, and acquiesce in every way possible. Perhaps if he is dressed in khaki pants held up by a striped belt into which his pastel polo shirt is tucked in, he will survive the encounter. I know that a lot of grown ups don't think any of this is too much to ask and in fact, would prefer that all teenage boys of all races behave and dress this way. It's the generations old tension between adolescents and adults. Adults, forgetting their own teenage angst, seem to work tirelessly to take the rebellion and emotionality out of adolescence, but have yet to succeed.

 

Both black and white adults are demanding that black boys skip over the huge psychological developmental task of identity formation, which is what the rebellion and emotionality is all about. Experimenting with ways of being, is one of the ways in which teens find the right fit. For boys, being “a man” might look like standing up in the face of danger, giving as good as you get, not accepting put downs. Swallowing one's pride and whimpering home with your tale between your legs certainly doesn't feel like the right fit. An adult, with a strong ego, can understand that manhood includes the capacity to make the decision to not engage hostility and violence while maintaining self respect. This is something that boys learn through trial and error, good role models, and lots of discussion. Imagine what it feels like to be a hormone flooded teenage boy who in order to survive needs to “yes sir, no sir” with his head hung low. Add to that the historical burden of being African American. For the moment we may have a complacent boy who do to his complacency may come home that evening. But where does the anger go? Do we believe it really just dissipates? Given the options, I would also push acquiescence upon my sons if they were African American. But they are not, so society is permitting them the time and space to work themselves out.

 

We are also expecting that physiological development not take it's predetermined course. For example, there is now reams of evidence that the adolescent male brain is not fully formed until they are well into their twenties. Mainly, it's the part of the brain that gets you to think before you act rather than have a fight or flight reaction that is still developing. For all of us, the fight or flight response is heightened when we perceive threat. That may be what 29 year old George Zimmerman experienced when he saw Trayvon. Yet, we expect 17 year old boys to keep their cool.

 

A more reasonable and hopeful alternative to forcing boys into adulthood before they are ready is for adults to act like adults. We are teaching black boys that they need to back down when threatened at the same time adults are passing Stand Your Ground laws that allow one person to shoot another if they feel threatened. Our institutions and media glorify aggression. Adults need to make the necessary changes to save children's lives, not the children.

Resolution

After a few sluggish, post holiday, days, I am feeling lighter and happier than I have in quite some time.  A good part of me believes my current, upbeat attitude has to do with other people's New Year's resolutions.  It's like I'm riding the energy of people all over the world who are reflecting upon their pasts and resolving, in some way, to be  a more positive force going forward. I feel grateful to all those who are publicly expressing, or holding private, their thoughts, hopes and wishes for better things to come.

I'd like to give a special shout out to a friend, +Deirdre Day who endured a physically and emotionally painful last few months of 2012, yet, has found the strength to resolve to build upon the positives in her life in 2013.  Among her resolutions is a determination to communicate more with her 20 year old daughter and 12 year old son.  Parents of teens and young adults will understand that it can take plenty of determination to stay connected to our children once they start realizing that we are only flawed human beings rather than the all knowing, all powerful parents of earlier years.  Below are some tips for parents on communicating with and staying connected to teens that I hope will be useful for Deirdre and others in the year to come.

How to Talk to Teens

• “Kids are People Too” Speak to your teen with the same respect you would show to any adult in your life.
• Make yourself available. Be willing to drop your plans when your teen seems to be opening up.
• No agendas. Your teen will sense that you are engaging him in order to slip in a lesson and not because you are interested in him as an individual.
• Be comfortable with silence.
• Listen. (If you hear yourself talking, you are not listening).
• No judgments. If you are concerned about what your teen is telling you, ask questions out of curiosity about what his values are and how they might apply to the situation being discussed.
• No advice. When your teen is encountering a challenge, let him know by your responses that you trust he will come up with the right answer.
• Allow your teen her own opinions. Let her grumble and protest over perceived injustices even though you disagree.
• Make an appointment to address difficult issues. This gives both of you the chance to think ahead and avoid being reactive.
• Keep your cool. If you react with anger, stress, or frustration, you will ratchet up those emotions in your adolescent.

How Not to Talk to Teens

• Lecture, make it a long one!
• Make sure your teen knows your are always right.
• Criticize
• Advise, solve his problems for him, you know best after all
• Use sarcasm, it’s a great way to belittle and humiliate your child.
• Bring your own unfinished business into your relationship with your teen.
• Make sure you have the last word.
• Never apologize.
• Escalate your teens bad mood by reacting to it with yelling, scolding, and anger.
• Bring up problems when you are feeling stressed out and overwhelmed.

Keep the energy flowing, share your New year's resolution in the comment section.

Peace

Bridget

Birth Family and Your Adopted Teen

The search for identity characteristic of the teen years has a whole extra layer of complexity for teens who are adopted.  The adolescent quest  for “one’s self” is a philosophical, esoteric, incorporeal challenge.  For adolescents who were adopted, the question “who am I?” also has very concrete elements.  Teens who grow up in their birth families have their parents and entire biological heritage to identify with and rebel from as they figure themselves out.  Adopted teens often do not even know who they look like, the details of their ethnic origins, or why they were placed for adoption in the first place.  Whether they verbalize it or not, during adolescence, many adoptees want to know more about their preadoption backgrounds.  Most adoptive parents today have shared much of their child’s adoption story with them, hopefully adding in more detail with age.  Now that your child is a teenager he/she is able to understand more complicated information in general and is ready to process some of the nitty gritty details you may have withheld because you felt your child wasn’t ready to handle it.  These details are precious to the teenager who needs to understand where he comes from before he can decide who he is going to become.  

As adoptions have become more open over the past few decades, it is often possible to get in contact with birth family and your teenager may want to do that.  Clearly, all situations and all adolescents are different so whether or not a reunion would be in your child’s best interest is for you to decide.  You do want to respect your teen’s desire to meet their birth family and you can do so by listening and providing the reasons for your decision.  It can be helpful for your teenager to hear that you will support them when the time comes that they are mature enough to begin a search and cope with whatever the results might be.  Let your child know that you understand that their curiosity is normal and that you do not feel threatened by it.  Keeping the conversation open is key.  If your teen feels like he has to go behind your back, facebook and other technologies make finding people based on a little information quite possible.  You do not want your teen entering this emotional terrain on his own.  If he is going to do it with or without you, with you is better.   When thinking about doing a search or reunion, or you have difficult information to share, professional counseling with an adoption proficient therapist is strongly recommended. 

91 percent of moms ages 25-47 say they’ve felt like they couldn’t ask for help or admit they needed a break, with 10 percent saying this happens an extreme amount.

Read more: Sources of Mom Stress & Judgment - Redbook

Adolescence, Adoption, and Acting Out

In honor of National Adoption Month, my posts for November will explore the intertwine of issues related to both adoption and adolescence.  

All teens ask “who am I?”  Identity formation is an important developmental task of adolescence.  They try on identities, experiment with clothing, style, musical taste, and sometimes, more seriously with alcohol and drugs.   Teens feel safe conforming to the the standards set by peers, yet want to be considered unique.  The cultural and psychological push to move away from their parents can be frightening for adopted teens who have already been separated from their birth families. Most teens typically have periods of regression, they will whine and act out.  Adopted teens sometimes regress to the extreme and you may see them alternate between clinginess and defiance.

Adolescents test limits, but they need them and feel safer with them. The testing of how bad can I be before you reject me that many teens experiment with, can hit some very deep and painful cords for adoptees. Hair dying, nose rings and tattoos may be ways of asking “do you love me even though I am so different from you, even though I'm adopted?” Remember that adoptees are sensitive to separations and may be testing how far they can go before you abandon them too.

Adolescents often will reject their parents values as they become aware of the wide variety of opinions in the larger world. This part of the adopted teens effort to separate  can be difficult for adoptive parents who didn't give their children their genetics, but feel they did pass on good values.  It can feel like a rejection of them as parents. Try to remember that all teens question their parents' beliefs and value systems while you continue to be clear about what your values are.   Forcefully imposing them will backfire. Your teen may stray for a while, but will drift back to the foundation they were raised with eventually.

Coping: Teens and Hurricane Sandy

Teenagers make use of Princeton Public Library‘s Wi-Fi and electrical outlets in New Jersey on October 31 in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy.  School Library Journal Nov. 3, 2012

Accounts of loss, resourcefulness, courage and despair emerge from the wreckage of Hurricane Sandy each day. Included are stories involving teenagers who lost their lives, those who were able to survive due to a combination of luck, wit and instinct, those who are now part of the effort to bring aid and comfort to others, and the resilient who cope with normalizing their lives under challenging circumstances. Today, an article describing the horrific combination of this natural disaster and poverty, mentions an 18 year old girl who climbs 10 flights of stairs to check on her stranded, physically disabled godmother . http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/03/nyregion/in-public-housing-after-hurricane-sandy-fear-misery-and-heroism.html The Daily News reports on an injured woman in Staten Island grieving the loss of her 13 year old daughter, http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/si-family-robbed-irene-suffers-tragedy-sandy-article while another is relieved that her son was able to escape from their home as it filled with water and swim to safety http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/teen-sandy-survival-tale-separated-family-article Teens in the less severely affected area of Princeton, NJ make do with crowding into the library for power, heat and internet as they strive to keep focused on daily pressures like homework and the SATs that are scheduled for today.

Teens, deeply affected by the plight of the hurricane’s victims, are part of the volunteer effort to provide aid. After a disaster, it is important for teens to have opportunities to feel empowered again. They can choose a project that speaks to them. Animal lovers can contact the ASPCA www.aspca.org or Humane Society www.humanesociety.org. Localities are required to have a emergency plan in place for animals. Check on the senior citizens in your community. They may have power and food, but might be isolated because of travel and communication difficulties and in need of company. Contact the Red Cross, your house of worship, or local charity organization to find out where food and clothing are needed and deliver it. Helping out can be as easy as texting, something teens are adept at. Verizon announced it would match customer text-to-donate contributions to American Red Cross relief efforts up to one million dollars. Verizon Customers can make a $10 donation by texting REDCROSS to 90999. AT&T is working with the American Red Cross, the Salvation Army and the American Humane Society. AT&T has waived fees for customers to text a $10 donation to any of the organizations by texting the following: REDCROSS to 90999 to support the American Red Cross, STORM to 80888 to help the Salvation Army, and HUMANE to 80888 to give to the American Humane Society. Facebook is another user friendly way teens can donate. The Humane Society of the United States has a big effort underway in New York and New Jersey. Donations can be made via their facebook page.

Parents, you can contribute to helping your teen regain their sense of well being by taking care of your own. We are still our teenagers primary role models and how we cope with adversity provides them with a guideline for how they can rise above difficulty. Rather than stuff down fear and grief, show your children how to express it. They will learn that facing ones fears is courageous, not weak and allows one to move forward. And if you go out to volunteer, invite your teen along! This is a time of strong emotions which means there's a need for strong connection.